Walking The Path: Forgiving & Letting Go

I’m gonna start this by being completely raw and honest, which feels very vulnerable, but I feel in my heart that it is necessary.

I’ve been feeling this gnawing shame and unworthiness come up in me recently; I mean I have felt this deep unworthiness most of my life, but never truly allowed myself to sit with it and feel into it. Upon sitting with these feelings, my heart tells me I need to be honest with myself and therefore my audience that reads my blogs.

In my recent blog posts, I used AI to help me rewrite my blogs that I wrote so I felt that it was “perfect” and to a really high standard. After posting the second one, It didn’t sit right with me. I felt so much shame come up within me. I knew then that I had to do it differently next time and be open, raw and honest. I felt that my own way of writing was not “good enough” and that if I posted my own writing, people would not read it because it was flawed and “boring.” So I altered it, to try in some way, to control how people perceive me, which is coming more from the ego and not from the soul, which is not where I intend for my writings to come from. All of it was my story, it was just wrote in a way that wouldn’t naturally come to me. So this is me now, writing in the way that does come naturally to me.

I realise that this itself is a lesson for me, right here; a lesson to forgive; to to let go of control and the need for external validation.

There is a part of me that wants everything to be perfect; it wants everyone to think highly of me; to see me as capable, intelligent, strong, talented and “has it all together” sort of thing. (Maybe because I am not truly seeing those parts of myself - I’m seeking it externally). I have been aware of this pattern, this need for approval, for a few years now, but even more so recently - since certain events have triggered these feelings in me (thank you Universe, Spirit, Higher self). I’ve just never felt quite ready to let go of these stories and expectations of myself that I’ve held on to. But I am actually exhausted by myself; by constantly trying to prove my worth (to a part of myself - really), by always doing and never truly letting myself just rest and be (because it brings up too much shame and guilt - uncomfortable to feel, am I right?) and by exerting myself to the point of burnout.

So now, I’m choosing differently. I am letting myself be, I’m willing to let go of these stories that perpetuate this pain, this constant need to always be “productive” and “perfect.” I’m taking my make up off, letting my hair look wilder, messier, eating the foods I love, moving in ways I love and getting back into Nature. I’m letting myself be seen and witnessed being human. I’m witnessing and learning to accept more of my humanness. Something I have really struggled with my whole life; I’ve always had these extremely high expectations of myself, where I had to have my make-up, my hair, my clothes, my body looking absolutely perfect everyday whilst also being exceptionally productive, happy, accommodating and smiley with everyone - just like how I witnessed my mum demonstrate these very same patterns her whole life. It is fucking exhausting, draining and soul sucking. No wonder I have felt so fatigued. I have been trying to be more than human most of my life - since I learnt and internalised it was not ok to be human.

So, here is me declaring to myself and the Universe that I am actually done with it. I am READY to let go and surrender into the unknown. I’m ready to create more space; more space for the love to flow.

Outside of the box, on the other side of the fear, there is GOLD waiting for me. What form that gold will come in is a mystery to me, and that is what makes it all the more exciting!!

This path, this life, is such a wild ride… I love it and sometimes… I hate it. You cannot have one without the other, right?

It comes and it goes, she said, it comes and it goes.